What Happy People Do Differently?What Happy People Do Differently?
原文刊登于Psychology Today Jul 02, 2013 BY Todd b .Kashdanand Robert Biswas-Diener
#1 They Seek to Risk, Not Reward #他们寻求挑战而非奖励
Most people accept that true happiness is more than a jumble of intensely positive feelings—it's probably better described as a sense of "peace" or "contentedness." Regardless of how it's defined, happiness is partly emotional—and therefore tethered to the truth that each individual's feelings have a natural set point, like a thermostat, which genetic baggage and personality play arole in establishing. Yes, positive events give you a boost, but before long you swing back toward your natural set point.
True happiness lasts longer than a burst of dopamine, however, soit's important to think of it as something more than just emotion. Your sense of happiness also includes cognitive reflections,such as when you give a mental thumbs-up or thumbs-down to your best friend's sense of humor, the shape ofyour nose, or the quality of your marriage. Only a bit of this sense has to do with how you feel; the rest is the product of mental arithmetic, when youcompute your expectations, your ideals, your acceptance of what you can't change—and countless other factors. That is, happiness is a state of mind, andas such, can be intentional and strategic.
Regardless of your emotional set point, your everyday habits and choices—from the way you operate in a friendship to how you reflect on your life decisions—can push the needle on your well-being. Recent scholarship documenting the unique habits of those who are happiest in life even provides something of an instruction manual for emulating them. It turns out that activities that lead us to feel uncertainty, discomfort, and even a dash of guilt are associated with some of the most memorable and enjoyable experiences of people's lives. Happy people, it seems, engage in a wide range of counter intuitive habits that seem, well, downright unhappy. [结果发现那些让人感到不确定性的、不舒服的、甚至带有些负罪感的活动会成为最值得回忆和享受的人生经历。幸福快乐的人看上去有着一些“不那么快乐的”习惯。] The Real Rewards Of Risk When anxiety is an optimal state 挑战的奖赏——焦虑所带来的正能量
It's a Friday night and you're planning on meeting friends for dinner. If you want to ensure that you'll go home full, you grab pizza or burgers. If you instead pick a cuisine you've never tried before (Ethiopian—sure, why not?) yourun the risk that you won't like your injera and wat that much—but you might also uncover a surprising delight.
Truly happy people seem to have an intuitive grasp of the fact that sustained happiness is not just about doing things that you like. It also requires growth and adventuring beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone. Happy people, are, simply put, curious. In a 2007 study, Todd Kashdan and Colorado State psychologist Michael Steger found that when participants monitored their own daily activities, as well as how they felt, over the course of 21 days, those who frequently felt curious on a given day also experiencedthe most satisfaction with their life—and engaged in the highest number of happiness-inducing activities, such as expressing gratitude to a colleagueor volunteering to help others.
Yet curiosity—that pulsing, eager state of not knowing—is fundamentally an anxious state. When, for instance, psychologist Paul Silvia showed research participants a variety of paintings, calming images by Claude Monet and Claude Lorrain evoked happy feelings, whereas the mysterious, unsettling works by EgonSchiele and Francisco Goya evoked curiosity.
Curiosity, it seems, is largely about exploration—often at the price of momentary happiness. Curious people generally accept the notion that while being uncomfortable and vulnerable is not an easy path, it is the most direct route to becoming stronger and wiser. In fact, a closer look at the study by Kashdan and Steger suggests that curious people invest in activities that cause them discomfort as a springboard to higher psychological peaks. [那些好奇心重的人会有意识地远离舒适区，参与到那些让他们有如滑雪般心跳加速的活动中去。]
Of course, there are plenty of instances in life where the best way to increase your satisfaction is to simply do what you know feels good, whether it's putting your favorite song on the juke box or making plans to see your best friend. But from time to time, it's worth seeking out an experience that is novel, complicated, uncertain, or even upsetting—whether that means finally taking the leap and doing karaoke for the first time or hosting a screening ofyour college friend's art-house film. The happiest people opt for both so that they can benefit, at various times, from each.
A Blind Eye To Life's Vicissitudes The benefit of seeing the forest but not the trees 无视生活的跌宕起伏——别吊死在一棵树上
A standard criticism of happy people is that they're not realistic—they sail through life blissfully unaware of the world's ills and problems.Satisfied people are less likely to be analytical and detail-oriented. A study led by University of New South Wales psychologist Joseph Forgas found that dispositionally happy people—those who have a general leaning toward the positive—are less skeptical than others. They tend to be uncritically open toward strangers and thus can be particularly gullible to lies and deceit. Think of the happy granny who is overcharged aut the car dealership by the smiling salesperson compared with more discerning, slightly less upbeat consumers.
Certainly having an eye for the finer points can be helpful when navigating the complicated social world of colleagues, acquaintances, and dates—and it's something the less sunny among us bring to bear. In fact,Virginia Commonwealth University psychologist Paul Andrews has argued that depression is actually adaptive. Depressed people, the logic goes, are more likely than others to reflect on and process their experiences—and thereby gain insight into themselves or the human condition—albeit at an emotional price. A little attention to detail helps with a more realistic evaluation of the social world.
Yet too much attention to detail can interfere with basic day-to-day functioning, as evidenced by research from Queen's University psychologist Kate Harkness, who found that people in a depressed mood were more likely to notice minute changes in facial expressions. Meanwhile, happy people tend to overlook such second-to-second alterations—a flash of annoyance, a sarcastic grin. You probably recognize this phenomenonfrom interactions you've had with your partner. While in a bad mood we tend to notice the tiniest shifts and often can't seem to disengage from a fight("I saw you roll your eyes at me! Why did you do that!?!"), where as when we're in a good mood, we tend to brush off tiny sleights ("You teaseme, but I know you love being around me"). The happiest people have a natural emotional protection against getting sucked in by the intense gravitational pull of little details. Similarly, the happiest people possess a devil-may-care attitude about performance. In a review of the research literature by Oishi and his colleagues, the happiest people—those who scored a 9 or 10 out of 10 onmeasures of life satisfaction—tended to perform less well than moderately happy people in accomplishments such as grades, class attendance, or work salaries.In short, they were less conscientious about their performance; to them, sacrificing some degree of achievement seems to be a small price to pay for not having to sweat the small stuff.
This is not to say that we should take a laissez-faire attitude to all our responsibilities; paying attention to detail is helpful. But too much focus on minutiae can be exhausting and paralyzing. The happiest among us (cheerfully) accept that striving for perfection—and a perfectly smooth interaction witheveryone at all times—is a loser's bet. [过分追求完美和时时与人保持友好只是失败者的赌注而已。]
The Unjealous Friend We're buoyed byothers' good fortune 无私的朋友——一群替别人开心的人
You've heard it a million times: The definition of a good friend is one who's there to lend a hand in times of need. In a recent Gallup World Poll, the biggest predictor of happiness at work was whether or not a person had a best friend they could call on for support. It makes sense, then, that we often assume that a good friend is the one who takes us out for beer and sympathy after we get passed up for a promotion—or that we're being one when we pick up our buddy at the bar after his post-layoff binge leaves him too drunk to drive.
Indeed, such support softens the blow of difficult life circumstances by helping the sufferer move past them. Still, new research reveals a less intuitive idea about friendship: The happiest people are the ones who are present when things go right for others—and whose own wins are regularly celebrated by their friends as well.[那些最快乐的人是为朋友喝彩的人——这些人也往往会得到朋友们的赞赏和鼓励。] Support for this idea comes from psychologist Shelly Gable, of the University of California, Santa Barbara, and her colleagues, whose research revealed that when romantic partners fail to make a big deal out of eachother's success, the couple is more likely to break up. On the flip side, when partners celebrate each other's accomplishments, they're more likely to be satisfied and committed to their relationship, enjoying greater love and happiness.
Outside of your primary relationship, however, why would capitalizing on others' success make you happier? Why should you support your born-lucky buddy by listening to him detail yet another sexual conquest when you're spending far too many Friday nights reading zombie comic books? For one thing, he reallydoes need you. The process of discussing a positive experience with aresponsive listener actually changes thememory of theevent—so after telling you about it, your friend will remember that night withthe model as even more positive than it was, and the encounter will be easierfor him to recall a few years down the line when he's been dumped. But equallyimportant, you'll get to "piggyback" on your friend's positivity.Just as we feel happier when we spend money on gifts or charitable contributions rather than on ourselves, we feel happier after spending valuabletime listening to the accomplishments of friends.
In life, it seems, there are an abundance of Florence Nightingales waitingto show their heroism. What's precious and scarce are those people who can truly share in others' joy and gains without envy. So while itmight be kind to send flowers to your friend when she's in the hospital for surgery, you'll both derive more satisfaction out of the bouquet you send her when she finishes medical school or gets engaged.
A Time For Every Feeling The upside of negative emotions 给每种情绪一个出口——负面情绪的正释放
The most psychologically healthy people might inherently grasp theimportance of letting some things roll off their backs, yet that doesn't meanthat they deny their own feelings or routinely sweep problems under the rug.Rather, they have an innate understanding that emotions serve as feedback—an internal radar system providing information about what's happening (and about to happen) in our social world.
Happy, flourishing people don't hide from negative emotions. They acknowledge that life is full of disappointments and confront them head on,often using feelings of anger effectively to stick up for themselves or those of guilt as motivation to changetheir own behavior.[那些幸福快乐的人并不避讳负面情绪。他们清楚地知道生活充满了失望，而他们会利用负面情绪有效地支持自己的行动，或是利用负疚感作为改变自己行为方式的动力。]This nimble mental shifting between pleasure and pain, theability to modify behavior to match a situation's demands, is known aspsychological flexibility.
For example, instead of letting quietly simmering jealousy over your girlfriend's new buddy erode your satisfaction with your relationship, acceptyour feelings as a signal, which allows you to employ other strategies ofreacting that are likely to offer greater dividends. These include compassion (recognizing that your girlfriend has unmet needs to be validated) and mindfullistening (being curious about what interests her).
The ability to shift mental states as circumstances demand turns out to bea fundamental aspect of well-being. Columbia University psychologist GeorgeBonanno found, for instance, that in the aftermath of 9/11, the most flexible people living in New York City during the attacks—those who were angry at timesbut could also conceal their emotions when necessary—bounced back more quickly and enjoyed greater psychological and physical health than their less adaptable counterparts.
Opportunities for flexible responding are everywhere: A newlywed who hasjust learned that she is infertile may hide her sense of hopelessness from hermother but come clean to her best friend; people who have experienced a trauma mightexpress their anger around others who share similar sentiments but conceal itfrom friends who abide by an attitude of forgiveness. The abilityto tolerate the discomfort that comes from switching mind-sets depending onwhom we're with and what we're doing allows us to get optimal results in everysituation.
Similar to training for a triathlon, learning the skill of emotionaldiscomfort is a task best taken on in increasing increments. For example,instead of immediately distracting yourself with an episode of TheWalking Dead or pouring yourself a whiskey the next time you have aheated disagreement with your teenage son, try simply tolerating the emotionfor a few minutes. Over time, your ability to withstand day-to-day negativeemotions will expand.
The Well-Being Balancing Act Pleasure and purpose work together 平衡生活——劳逸结合 Even the most ardent strivers will agree that a life of purpose that isdevoid of pleasures is, frankly, no fun. Happy people know that allowing yourself to enjoy easy momentary indulgences that are personallyrewarding—taking a long, leisurely bath, vegging out with your daughter's copyof The Hunger Games, oroccasionally skipping your Saturday workout in favor of catching the soccermatch on TV—is a crucial aspect of living a satisfying life. [过得幸福的人知道适当放纵自己是令人满意的生活的重要组成部分——比如洗一个放松舒服的澡，跟女儿一起追小说，或者是周六的时候放弃锻炼而去追球赛。] Still, if you'reprimarily focused on activities that feel good in the moment, you may miss out on the benefits of developing a clear purpose. Purpose is what drives us totake risks and make changes—even in the face of hardship and when sacrificingshort-term happiness. Working to uncover how happy people balance pleasure and purpose, Colorado State's Steger and his colleagues have shown that the act of trying to comprehend and navigate our world generally causes us to deviate from happiness. After all, this mission is fraught with tension, uncertainty, complexity, short bursts of intrigue and excitement, and conflicts between thedesire to feel good and the desire to make progress toward what we care about most. Yet overall, people who are the happiest tend to be superior atsacrificing short-term pleasures when there is a good opportunity to make progress toward what they aspire to become in life.
If you want to envision a happy person's stance, imagine one foot rootedin the present with mindful appreciation of what one has—and the other footreaching toward the future for yet-to-be-uncovered sources of meaning. Indeed,research by neuroscientist Richard Davidson of the University of Wisconsin atMadison has revealed that making advances toward achievement of our goals not only causes us to feel more engaged, it actually helps us tolerate any negative feelings that arise during the journey.
Nobody would pretend that finding purpose is easy or that it can be done in a simple exercise, but thinking about which activities you found most rewarding and meaningful in the past week, whatyou're good at and often recognized for, what experiences you'd be unwilling togive up, and which ones you crave more time for can help. Also, notice whether your answers reflect something you feel that you ought to say as opposed towhat you truly love. For example, being a parent doesn't necessarily mean that spending time with your children is the most energizing,meaningful part of your life—and it's important to accept that. Lying to yourself is one of the biggest barriers to creating purpose. The happiest people have a knack for being honest about what does and does not energizethem—and in addition to building in time for sensory pleasures each day, they are able to integrate the activities they most care about into a life of purpose and satisfaction.
There's More To Life Than Being Happy 生活不仅仅是追求幸福
Nobel Laureate Albert Schweitzer once quipped that "happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory." Despite the apparent lusterof achieving a predominantly positive state of mind, critics argue that thepursuit of happiness is a misguided goal—it's fleeting, superficial, andhedonistic.
Research backs up some of these claims. Studies by psychologist Ed Dienershow that people actually pay an emotional price for intensely positive events because later ones—even moderately pleasant ones—seem less shiny by contrast.(Sure, getting a raise feels terrific, but it might mean you fail to fully appreciate your son's performance in the school play that afternoon.)
Perhaps more damning is a series of studies led by University of California, Berkeley psychologist Iris Mauss, which revealed that people whoplace a premium on being happy report feeling more lonely. Yes, being happymight be healthy—but craving happiness is a slippery slope. [那些把寻求快乐作为生命第一要务的人往往更孤独。没错，幸福的确是一种健康的状态——但是对于幸福的饥渴往往具有反作用。]
As well-being researchers, we don't deny the importance of happiness—but we've also concluded that a well-lived life is more than just one in which you feel "up." The good life is best construed as a matrix that includes happiness, occasional sadness, a sense of purpose, playfulness, and psychological flexibility, as well autonomy, mastery, and belonging.
While some people will rank high in happiness and social belonging, others will find they've attained a sense of mastery and achievement. This approachappreciates that not only do people differ in their happiness matrices—but theycan shift in their own respective matrices from moment to moment.
For instance, your sense of autonomy might spike dramatically when, as a college freshman, you shift from living under your parents' rules to the freedom of dorm life—and then plummet a decade later when you become a parentand must sacrifice even the ability to choose your hours of sleep. Yet it would be a mistake to assume that coeds have greater well-being than new parents. Rather, each group is experiencing a unique flavor.
Parsing the good life into a matrix is more than linguistic trickery; shifting toward a mixed-bag view of well-being opens more paths to achieving a personally desirable life. Enjoying success in even one area of the matrix can be a cause for celebration. |